A Sad Day...

Today is a sad day – it becomes a year since my dear Siru passed away.

The time has gone by so fast and it feels like it was just a moment ago when it all happened. It was such a hard thing for me and I’ve been trying to get over it every single day. I remember the day way too well, it’s still fresh in my memory like it’s being outlined there forever. I’m sure I will never forget that day as well as I will never forget Siru. It was so hard emotionally to know in the morning that it was going to be the last the Siru will be with us, she was so sick already – she didn’t eat anymore, she didn’t drink anymore and just wanted to be alone in the sauna and didn’t wanted to be touched. It broke my heart. I wish I could have pick up the signs much, much earlier and some days I feel responsible what happened – I know I probably should not be but some days I just am.

It is hard to think back of that very day when it all happened but I also remember all the good times with her and that brings a smile on my face every time. I try not to think of that sad day Siru was put down but trying to concentrate to all of the good memories – for example, the last summer was very happy time and I know Siru lived a good life and had a good summer.

But Siru haven’t completely left us – both me and my mom have seen her in our dreams. That has been a breathing hole for me. I can still see Siru and pet her and I’m not so alone after all. I believe that I see her in my dreams for a reason. For a long time, when I first started to see her in my dreams, I couldn’t touch her. I guess I was not ready yet. I didn’t dare to go close to her or touch her and first time I tried to touch her she hissed at me – I guess she wasn’t ready to be touched either. But after some time I became accustomed to her and she probably to me I could go and touch her, pet her soft fur and it was exactly how I remembered it would be and she was exactly how I remembered her – I hadn’t forgot at all and I never will. I believe that she came back in my dreams to be with me still. This is how I see it and no one (I mean no one) can make me believe it’s just a dream – I know it’s not just a dream.

I sometimes just look at my doorway and wait. I just wait for Siru to come through it and purr and come to bump against my leg asking to be pet or jump into my bed while I’m there. I know she will not come through my doorway but sometimes I just find myself staring at my doorway again hoping that she will. Usually I try to avoid looking at Siru’s urn after this feeling for it always break my heart at this point of hoping because it’s a solid remembrance that she is actually gone. This doesn’t mean I can’t look at her urn but it usually breaks my heart a little to look at it but I also fill up with love I felt for her and still feel. When I open my cabinet’s doors I always greet Siru for I feel that she will hear it to wherever better place she’s in – I kind of believe in heaven but since I’m not that religious I sometimes have a tough time to believe in heaven and hell for I’ve been above the clouds on an aeroplane and they are just clouds, but that’s another subject. I still believe that if we are good in our lives we get to to a better place, wherever that may be and that’s exactly where I believe Siru is today. I sometimes carefully take her urn and put it against my cheek and talk to it saying how much I miss her, I believe that she can hear me – that may sound silly but sometimes I need to do this. Some time ago I was talking about Siru with my mom and remembered the diamond collar my friend had brought to all of our cats – we had long talked about getting Siru a diamond collar (they are not real diamonds, but still) because what kind of diva she was and knew she’s worth and this one day my friend gave me three collars. I immediately went to try it on Siru.

But about the collar – I remembered it and went to get one and put it around Siru’s urn’s lid to remind us what a diva she was and sure still is in a place she’s in. I need to think this way for it’s my important coping strategy.

I’m always so very, very careful when I’m handling her urn for I don’t ever want it to be dropped and broken. Nor do I ever open it because both me and my mom believe that Siru’s spirit is inside of it and once it’s broken or opened it will get away to a restless world of our’s and never be free. Everyone can get to look at the urn but not to touch it for it’s truly priceless. When my friend was here at the “Class Meeting / Birthday Party / Housewarming Party” last February we were alone for a moment and started talk about Siru and my friend said she would like to see her urn – the party pulled us in and we hadn’t time to go see it but next time then. It’s not “just” an urn to be looked at a second in the middle of a party but these things need time and quiet.

I’ve shed tears on the days that has passed remembering this day will come closer. I’ve shed tears today and while I’ve been writing this post and looked back the old photos of Siru. This is truly a hard day. I’ve gotten a enough over the fact that Siru passed away (“enough over” meaning that I’ve gotten enough over it to bear to live it through the day without being crushed under the fact that she’s gone anymore) but this closer to a closure I believe I will never get for I will never forget her. I’m truly happy and fortunate for the eight wonderful years I had with Siru. I will never forget her and she will always be in my heart. I will never stop loving her.

I was watching through all of my old photos and found last summer photos of Siru I’ve been looking for so, so long and I feared I’ve lost them completely. Here’s different kind of pictures of Siru:

Siru always liked to sleep on my table and didn’t care a bit about the things I had on it and she knew I would make a space for her on the table. I always did.

Siru always sat on top of the crossword puzzles making us unable to fill it. She remembered the day umbrella from where we used to live and we had circled a wide string around the base of the umbrella so the cats could climb on it and climb on top of the umbrella. So Siru tried to climb the base of our day umbrella but it was steel so she couldn’t get a hold with her claws.

I also found this adorable picture of Siru:

Siru always slept on my Batman pillow and I just thought it was adorable:

She would go anywhere, for example to my picnic basket:

On one May Day she didn’t put on a fight when I rolled her up in a confetti streamers:

She was so pretty:

I still love her:

And to be said, while Siru will never come through my door my other two loveable cats will. I haven’t forgot I still have two adorable cats who I love just as much as I love Siru – they are not any less loved or cared for. I will take everything out of the days I spend with them after I’ve learned the hard way that our furry friends are not here forever. I love Lara and Pikkuinen (Tiny).